It was a surprisingly
cool and sunny Christmas morning in 1998. With a crowded house full of all my
family in Peabody Kansas, I only remember very few things about that day. One,
I got my very first mountain bike, and two, my little cousin Jade. She was my
very first, second cousin and stole my heart the moment I saw her. I was only
nine years old at the time, but I knew immediately that I loved not only
babies, but all children.
Before I went to
college, I was pretty close to my three, second cousins (born in the late 90's
early 00's) and got to watch them grow up. I would take them out to movies go
to the swimming pool and if they behaved themselves I would love treating them
to ice cream. Jade became like a little sister to me and I would take her on
girl dates because she only had brothers. Over the years I now have about 14
second cousins and I am in love with every single one of them. Once I got to college
that is when most of the babies were born. Honestly, it was hard to be away
from my family, it sucked not being able to see my new baby cousins grow
up.
After college and much
hesitation, I made the decision to do an internship with Cru in Florida. I beat
myself up because it was just more time and distance away from my family, and I
would not be able to see the little ones grow up.
This past December I had
a chance to come home and visit for Christmas. Jade is now 16 and my youngest
cousin was about 8 months. It felt amazing to be around everyone and get to
know the little ones a little more as they are developing from toddlers to
school aged Kindergartners. I got to hold all the babies and have intellectual
conversations about Elmo with the little ones. Among all the conversations that
struck my heart was the one I had with Jade. She was no longer a little girl
and was not interested in hanging out with family. She was asked to drive me to
the store so I can grab some olives for dinner and we had a conversation that
took me by surprise.
I told her all about my
work in Florida and how I send high school students overseas on missions to
reach other high school students for Jesus. When Jade was a little girl she
would love to go to church and so I thought she would be interested in maybe
going on a mission. I do not know if she was irritated with work, her parents, God,
or me but I was not expecting her to be so angry about the conversation. She
told me she decided she was agnostic and said it was because she could not
prove that God did not exist and that I could not prove that He did. I did not
expect this to come out of her and felt like I had missed something. A month later,
I realize that I did, six years. The conversation ended with me telling her
that if she ever wanted to talk about Jesus, Christianity, or anything that she
can always call me if she wants me to.
Two months later and my
heart is still troubled by this conversation. It sucks being so far away, not
being able to love her the "big sister way" I use to be able to do. I
pray for her and all my family often and love them all so very much.
It is funny to think of
the idea that I have fallen in love with my family but I have. I am
learning that sometimes when you love someone you have to be OK with a little
bit of distance so that there is room for growth.
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