Three Men and a Savior

When I was two, I was sexually abused by a man named Doug (Uncle). When I was about seven, he was put in jail for I believe aggravated assault/attempted murder. In the last 20 years, he has mailed letters to many people and my father once told me that Doug sent my dad a letter saying he hated him and was going to kill him. I am not sure that is true. One month from today, Doug is going to get released from jail. My grandmother is legitimately concerned that if she does not let Doug live with her, he will get mad and murder her.

When I was five, I woke up in the middle of the night to find out that my older brother Stan was molesting me. Once, he held a knife to my throat and said "Its cutting time!" Shortly after, he was sent away to a boys home. Since his high school graduation, he has been in and out of jail and homelessness. This week I found out that he is in jail for some kind of theft. He has two children that I know of by two different women; he is not involved in their lives.

For the majority of my life my father, Darrell, has been the source of emotional and psychological abuse in my life. He once told me I would never learn to read or graduate high school. The last time we communicated about anything was almost three years ago where he told me he did not care if I lived or died and to marry some rich man and take all of his money.

Over 2000 years ago, there was a man, Jesus, born of a virgin. All his life he remained pure and sinless. Because of his teachings and life he lived, he was ridiculed wherever he went, and tempted by satan himself . Before his death, he was called a liar, beat by Roman guards, flogged, publicly humiliated, betrayed by one of his closest friends, and eventually crucified on a cross. When Jesus died, he took on the sin of all the people in the world forever. I believe Jesus died for me and through him, I get to have a relationship with God Almighty, the creator of earth. I also believe that Jesus died for you, and Doug, and Stan, and Darrell.

In the past five years, I have been able to forgive myself and the three men that allowed sin in my life. I have been in prayer for these men often. With Doug getting released soon and the unknown that comes with it, please pray with me that he would somehow come into a relationship with the Lord and repent of his sin. Some of you may laugh, but I believe I serve a God that performs miracles and can change the life of any person if they are willing. I also believe I need the power in numbers of genuine prayer to do it. Stan and Darrell have made decisions in their life that have made multiple people walk away from them; family, friends, women etc. Please pray that as they isolate themselves from the world and everyone in it, that they will be able to have enough quiet to hear the Lord, and ultimately begin a relationship with him.

I do not share details of my life or the three men listed in the first three paragraphs to be showy, or "woe is me" I share them because I believe that in order to pray genuinely and accurately, one must know the details. I want to live life to the full and I want to pray God sized prayers so He can be glorified through His miracles. Will you join me in prayer?

The Best "Stupid" Decision I Ever Made

     Fun fact people may not know about me, I am an Epileptic. I was diagnosed when I was six years old and was actually held back in second grade because I had too many seizures during class. That was the year my doctors took me off my medication. Although most people "grow out" of their seizures I was actually diagnosed for life when I was 18. The medications that I had been taking up until then had been reported to have long term negative and damaging effects on women. Because of this, I had to change my medication and take another pill to try to restore or prevent what the previous medication did to my body. Switching medication after medication had behavioral effects on me and so I had to continue to add more and more medications to treat my new diagnoses.

     While I was in college, I was taking nine different medications to treat a variety of things. I reflected back on the  day I was diagnosed for life and decided to re-do that day, and the five years since then. I made the crazy "stupid" decision to stop taking all of my medication. It was not till two months later when talking to my room mate that I finally told someone. Three months after that I told my mom. And two years after that, I told my doctor. Every time I told someone that had been a big part of my life they commented that they noticed that I had changed for the better. I took it as a sign that I was no longer controlled by drugs, and that I was free to be whoever I wanted, and it seemed like everyone likes that version of Nicole.

     I no longer take a pill to control my Seizures, instead I educate myself about my particular kind of seizures. In case you are wondering, I have Absence Seizures (Formally classified as Petit Mal).  I prevent one from happening by knowing what triggers a seizure, and being aware of danger. From what I have studied from my EEG's and other sources, my triggers are public speaking, alcohol, and lack of sleep. Since I know this about myself, I am very aware of my limits, and can live life freely within those limits.

     If I have a seizure, it is not really noticeable to people around me so they don't really need to do anything. Sometimes I don't even know that I have had one. However I like to inform people of the following procedure of how to help someone having a Grand Mal seizure.

     The behavior changes I was diagnosed with while on the various epileptic medication, and took medication to treat, are still very much a part of me and instead of taking a pill to cover them up, I decided to embrace them as quarks. If they get too out of hand I usually medicate by food. (e.x. Depression=strawberries, ADHD=Some form of starch, Insomnia=Milk or Dairy) It has worked for me for about five years and I love not having to take a pill and have anxiety when I forget to take it.

What You Don't See

     This is a poem of what it is like for me sometimes when making phone calls while raising support, otherwise known as MPD (Ministry Partner Development). I am not going to pretend that I am some perfect fearless women. There is a lot that goes into every dial I make. I have a hard time remembering who I am when I make an MPD call. I want to be professional, yet not be fake, I am scared of how I am going be precieved, and if others are being honest with me.
     It is only because of the Holy Spirit living in me that I am able to do my call time. This is by far the scariest part of what I do during MPD and where I talk to the Lord the most. In a way, the Lord uses my phone time to make sure that I know I need Him, and that He is in control.
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Dear Lord, hold my hand

Sitting in a chair with a list on my lap
The pen of the week shaking in one hand
My phone in the other
Heartburn in my chest
Shortness of breath

Now the voices start to sink in

"you need to go to the bathroom"
"have you checked Facebook lately"
"don't call now, you are going to bother them"
"you already called them this week"
"they don't really know you"

Lord make them go away

Eight... Nine... Ten numbers tapped
time to press that green button
Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. RING.
Dizzy from all the anxiety
the voicemail comes on

Lord help me

"What do I say"
"Wait, who did I call"
"I am going to sound stupid"
"Is this professional"
"Who am I"

Relax my child

Message left

Tapping on the hang up button as fast as I can
Looking to the sky thank the Lord, it is over
Then I look down at my list
Take my pen of the week and make a mark
Ah HA! We did it!
Thank you Lord for bringing me through that

Now time to start over

Communicating and My Kind of Relatinships

     Communication is one of the biggest things that both blows my mind and gets under my skin. The fact that we can now communicate across the world not just on mobile devices but see each other on a digital screen is amazing. Seriously, think about how this effects the relationships around you. What would your life be like if you still had to hand write letters to communicate over seas? We went from writing to our monthly pen pals to, "So I was face timing my friend from Australia for three hours the other day and we are going to do g-chat later today with her friend from China." WHAT! 

     Along with building relationships, the advancement in technology, in my opinion, has also decreased some aspects of relationships that just breaks my heart. I am mainly talking about texting and online messaging. I have seriously had a conversation with someone through text for four hours about dumb stuff that could have been a ten min conversation on the phone. I could have hung out with them in person and had a meal with them in that amount of time. 

     With the advancement of technology in communication sometimes, I feel like we forget that the person we are talking to is also a person just like us, not just a bunch of words. I hate communicating when I have to type my words. I do not know how they read my words and how it is coming across. I do not feel like I communicate my best when I have to concentrate on spelling. As you can tell from my bogs, spelling is not my strength and I am very insecure about it. Having to concentrate on spelling is the most frustrating and hardest thing about interacting with other millennials and those that do not like to talk on the phone. Giving directions, spilling my heart out, or explaining something is hard enough, but typing it out actually angers me.

     In my current job as a missionary, I do something called Ministry Partner Development (MPD). It is the process of raising support and during an entire summer, I will make over 3500 phone calls to 200ish people. I want to get together with these people and ask them to join my financial team to reach teenagers for Jesus around the world. You would think that asking to partner financially would be the hardest part, but it is trying to get them to pick up the phone. Something about the advanced technology that we have now days has made people too afraid to pick up the phone and have a conversation, or get together in person and have a conversation. It is not only sad because relationships can not be made, but it also makes my job that much harder. Some people really want me to text them my entire presentation.

     Texting is not all bad. I like to text people to see if they are busy and want to hang out, or if they live far, just catch up and chat. I am not into just randomly calling someone if it means that they are at work or in the middle of a wedding or something. Texting also comes in handy when you do not want to seem rude and honk your horn in a quiet neighborhood. Sending a "I am outside" text is great and easy. 

     Being a millennial does not make me a lover of all things technology and communication. I love relationships with other people. I love seeing them frequently and doing life together in person if I am able to. I love hearing their voice and being able to give hugs and high fives. If it takes too much thought and concentration to have a conversation I cannot be myself or feel like I am talking to another real live person. This is just my kind of communication and relationships.

Falling in Love and Growing Up

It was a surprisingly cool and sunny Christmas morning in 1998. With a crowded house full of all my family in Peabody Kansas, I only remember very few things about that day. One, I got my very first mountain bike, and two, my little cousin Jade. She was my very first, second cousin and stole my heart the moment I saw her. I was only nine years old at the time, but I knew immediately that I loved not only babies, but all children. 

Before I went to college, I was pretty close to my three, second cousins (born in the late 90's early 00's) and got to watch them grow up. I would take them out to movies go to the swimming pool and if they behaved themselves I would love treating them to ice cream. Jade became like a little sister to me and I would take her on girl dates because she only had brothers. Over the years I now have about 14 second cousins and I am in love with every single one of them. Once I got to college that is when most of the babies were born. Honestly, it was hard to be away from my family, it sucked not being able to see my new baby cousins grow up. 

After college and much hesitation, I made the decision to do an internship with Cru in Florida. I beat myself up because it was just more time and distance away from my family, and I would not be able to see the little ones grow up. 

This past December I had a chance to come home and visit for Christmas. Jade is now 16 and my youngest cousin was about 8 months. It felt amazing to be around everyone and get to know the little ones a little more as they are developing from toddlers to school aged Kindergartners. I got to hold all the babies and have intellectual conversations about Elmo with the little ones. Among all the conversations that struck my heart was the one I had with Jade. She was no longer a little girl and was not interested in hanging out with family. She was asked to drive me to the store so I can grab some olives for dinner and we had a conversation that took me by surprise.

I told her all about my work in Florida and how I send high school students overseas on missions to reach other high school students for Jesus. When Jade was a little girl she would love to go to church and so I thought she would be interested in maybe going on a mission. I do not know if she was irritated with work, her parents, God, or me but I was not expecting her to be so angry about the conversation. She told me she decided she was agnostic and said it was because she could not prove that God did not exist and that I could not prove that He did. I did not expect this to come out of her and felt like I had missed something. A month later, I realize that I did, six years. The conversation ended with me telling her that if she ever wanted to talk about Jesus, Christianity, or anything that she can always call me if she wants me to.

Two months later and my heart is still troubled by this conversation. It sucks being so far away, not being able to love her the "big sister way" I use to be able to do. I pray for her and all my family often and love them all so very much.

It is funny to think of the idea that I have fallen in love with my family but I have. I am learning that sometimes when you love someone you have to be OK with a little bit of distance so that there is room for growth.

Testimony Broken

          I grew up in an abusive environment. My first memory I have is when I was about two years old and I was helping my uncle masturbate. One of the norms in my home was fights between my older brother and my dad where there would be some sort of damage to a wall, door or furniture. When my dad was not yelling at my brother, he would go after my mom, my older, sister or I. My dad and older brother never laid a hand on us (that I know of) however, my brother decided to molest me one time. Sundays were the worst, I was woke up at the crack of dawn, where my mother would bathe my sister and I and put us in dresses with shoulder-pads (it was the 90's) then proceed to accidentally burn my year trying to curl my bangs (I never sit still). She would then take my siblings and I to church where I would listen to the pastor talk in a monotone voice for two hours and sing songs that sounded like we were attending a funeral. My siblings and I would always get in trouble because we either did not get along, did not sit still, or were not appropriate. After church, we would have leftovers and then serve our punishment for not behaving in church; write sentences, stand in the corner, sit in a chair for x amount of time etc. 

          My life outside the home was mine to be in control of. In elementary school I feel into a group of peers where our favorite thing to do was to smoke cigarettes, set things on fire, or "jack" things from the 7-11 down the block. My sexual curiosity started early as well. I have struggled with lust for most of my life. In middle school, I had a curiosity for religion and at the time, I was going through conformation at my church while at the same time, wanting to go to a different church. In high school, I finally had the opportunity to control the church that I got to go to. I went there for four years and three weeks before I went to College I accepted Christ into my heart and was baptized.

          While in college, I faced quite a bit, bullies, substance abuse, and identity issues. However, God was there the whole time and brought me through everything. My sophomore year I got involved with Cru, a Christian organization, and i began to experience friendships like I had never experienced before. I was afraid to share my story to another Christian because I was afraid of being judged. Being in Cru, I was accepted for who I was in Christ, not who I was in the past or what I struggled with. Through my involvement in Cru and wanting to reach out to others, I decided to go into missions full time. Now I am in Orlando working at Cru's headquarters sharing Christ with the world.