The Best "Stupid" Decision I Ever Made

     Fun fact people may not know about me, I am an Epileptic. I was diagnosed when I was six years old and was actually held back in second grade because I had too many seizures during class. That was the year my doctors took me off my medication. Although most people "grow out" of their seizures I was actually diagnosed for life when I was 18. The medications that I had been taking up until then had been reported to have long term negative and damaging effects on women. Because of this, I had to change my medication and take another pill to try to restore or prevent what the previous medication did to my body. Switching medication after medication had behavioral effects on me and so I had to continue to add more and more medications to treat my new diagnoses.

     While I was in college, I was taking nine different medications to treat a variety of things. I reflected back on the  day I was diagnosed for life and decided to re-do that day, and the five years since then. I made the crazy "stupid" decision to stop taking all of my medication. It was not till two months later when talking to my room mate that I finally told someone. Three months after that I told my mom. And two years after that, I told my doctor. Every time I told someone that had been a big part of my life they commented that they noticed that I had changed for the better. I took it as a sign that I was no longer controlled by drugs, and that I was free to be whoever I wanted, and it seemed like everyone likes that version of Nicole.

     I no longer take a pill to control my Seizures, instead I educate myself about my particular kind of seizures. In case you are wondering, I have Absence Seizures (Formally classified as Petit Mal).  I prevent one from happening by knowing what triggers a seizure, and being aware of danger. From what I have studied from my EEG's and other sources, my triggers are public speaking, alcohol, and lack of sleep. Since I know this about myself, I am very aware of my limits, and can live life freely within those limits.

     If I have a seizure, it is not really noticeable to people around me so they don't really need to do anything. Sometimes I don't even know that I have had one. However I like to inform people of the following procedure of how to help someone having a Grand Mal seizure.

     The behavior changes I was diagnosed with while on the various epileptic medication, and took medication to treat, are still very much a part of me and instead of taking a pill to cover them up, I decided to embrace them as quarks. If they get too out of hand I usually medicate by food. (e.x. Depression=strawberries, ADHD=Some form of starch, Insomnia=Milk or Dairy) It has worked for me for about five years and I love not having to take a pill and have anxiety when I forget to take it.

What You Don't See

     This is a poem of what it is like for me sometimes when making phone calls while raising support, otherwise known as MPD (Ministry Partner Development). I am not going to pretend that I am some perfect fearless women. There is a lot that goes into every dial I make. I have a hard time remembering who I am when I make an MPD call. I want to be professional, yet not be fake, I am scared of how I am going be precieved, and if others are being honest with me.
     It is only because of the Holy Spirit living in me that I am able to do my call time. This is by far the scariest part of what I do during MPD and where I talk to the Lord the most. In a way, the Lord uses my phone time to make sure that I know I need Him, and that He is in control.
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Dear Lord, hold my hand

Sitting in a chair with a list on my lap
The pen of the week shaking in one hand
My phone in the other
Heartburn in my chest
Shortness of breath

Now the voices start to sink in

"you need to go to the bathroom"
"have you checked Facebook lately"
"don't call now, you are going to bother them"
"you already called them this week"
"they don't really know you"

Lord make them go away

Eight... Nine... Ten numbers tapped
time to press that green button
Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. RING.
Dizzy from all the anxiety
the voicemail comes on

Lord help me

"What do I say"
"Wait, who did I call"
"I am going to sound stupid"
"Is this professional"
"Who am I"

Relax my child

Message left

Tapping on the hang up button as fast as I can
Looking to the sky thank the Lord, it is over
Then I look down at my list
Take my pen of the week and make a mark
Ah HA! We did it!
Thank you Lord for bringing me through that

Now time to start over